BiddiesInMyBrain

Salvation Moments

This is a sermon I gave in church on September 13, 2009.

Salvation Moments

Laura Perry

 

READINGS

 

The first reading is by the ageless poet, Rumi:

 

I am not from the East
or the West, not out of the ocean or up
from the ground
My place is placeless,

a trace of the traceless.
I belong to the beloved,

have seen the two worlds as one

and that one call to and know,
first, last, outer, inner,

only that breath breathing human being.

– Rumi

 

The second reading is by Dawna Markova:

 

I will not die an unlived life,

I will not go in fear

Of failing or catching fire,

I choose to inhabit my days,

To allow my living to open to me,

To make me less afraid,

More accessible,

To loosen my heart

Until it becomes a wing,

A torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance:

To live.

So that which comes to me as a seed,

Goes to the next as blossom,

And that which comes to me as blossom,

Goes on as fruit.

 

 

 

I knelt on the 4x4 hard yellow tile squares with my blue and white nightgown pooled around me. The orange bottle with the childproof safety cap was difficult to remove with my badly shaking hands, but eventually I pried it off. Some pills tumbled to the floor. I picked them up. They stuck to my sweaty palms. Their medicinal smell tanged in my nose and I was acutely aware of the sound and feel of the air conditioning whirring and blowing around me, lightly moving my hair. Tears streamed down my face. Was I ready? Was I prepared for what would come next? I could feel the tiles pressing into my knees, the grout making grooves in the skin, the pain exquisite. My feet were growing numb. I was lightheaded. But I was determined to finish this one last task.

With a deep, unsteady breath, I took the pill bottle in my left hand and ever so slowly lifted my hand above the toilet bowl with its own distinct smell of disinfectant and bleach, and – one by one at first – let the pills fall into the water. Soon it became a cascade. When the bottle was empty I panicked… I tried in vain to fish some of the already-dissolving tablets and capsules out of the bowl, but to no avail… they were gone. Many years’ worth of collecting a multitude of medications meant to end my life were gone with a flush of the commode. I had done what I had set out to do. I had set myself along a tentative but determined new path looking toward hope and faith. And somehow, I had found salvation.

Hope and faith can be such nebulous concepts, and so hard to pin down sometimes. Hope can be as small as a breath, and faith as tiny as a sliver of light in the pitch. But these things are not to be underestimated. For a person who has looked into the shadow of death, faith and hope can be lifesaving and life affirming moments of salvation. We don’t speak much of salvation in the Unitarian Universalist tradition – at least not in the traditional sense of the word. It is frequently too full of baggage from other faith traditions many of us have left behind. But salvation comes in many forms, and, I would argue, that faith and hope are but many facets of that beautiful, transformatory word.

One of the definitions of salvation in the mother of all dictionaries, the Oxford English Dictionary – and the one I find most striking – is “to be independent or self-reliant in striving towards one’s goal.” Keeping in mind the more sacred overtones of the other meanings, I don’t think this definition says anything about self-service or crass ambition… but rather of faithfulness and service in the pursuit of a goal – and a worthy goal at that. With that in mind, salvation takes on a whole new meaning and a completely different basis for faith and hope. Let’s explore it…taste it… tuss it out.

Different faith traditions *do* look at salvation and the ideas of the transformative, the admission into bliss, quite differently. But when you boil many of them down to their essential elements you can begin to see a merging, a blending of similarities that overarch and transcend. In Sukhavati Buddhism, as I understand it, salvation is a state in which “each and every person stands peacefully… tranquilly, right here in the present, in the here and now” – the follower moves constantly toward of the goal of transcendence. In Judaism there is a belief that by doing right and good – by moving closer to the goal of perfect will with the right and good works of Creator – they are moving toward attaining salvation – any personal gain is a side effect of that work toward that goal. Sikhs believe that by pursuing the goal of an honest life and meditating on God you will attain salvation. Note that each has the elements of honesty and decency – and even purity – in pursuit of goals. And in our own tradition, I found three separate yet intertwining definitions. (how apt):

A. Karl M. Chworowsky says that "Unitarians believe in "salvation by character." They hold that as man develops a society where moral values and spiritual insights are treasured, man will find the road to peace, justice and brotherhood. God's help is not likely to come to those who cast all their burdens on the Lord. There is practical wisdom in the saying: "God helps those that help themselves." (Karl M. Chworowsky, What is a Unitarian?)

B. Jack Mendelsohn believes that "Unitarians speak warmly of salvation also, but in terms of character. We prefer to think of it as an achievement dependent on deeds rather than creeds" (Jack Mendelsohn, Why I am a Unitarian)

C. And George Marshall similarly says, "We are concerned with the ethical relations and understanding of life, not about the salvation of souls. For us, salvation is by character; religion is a matter of deeds, not creeds; and this natural world is the center of our lives." (George Marshall, Why I am a Unitarian)

http://www.biblebelievers.com/greathouse_b1.html

 

All these faith traditions – Buddhist, Jewish, Sikh, Unitarian Universalist – are charitable and kind paths toward salvation. Loving paths. Hopeful paths.

These? These I understand and draw from now.  But back then?

For years I despaired. This was the mean, cold reality of hard tiles and bottles – what seems like eons of clandestine rendezvous late at night in the fluorescent, flickering light of badly wall-papered bathrooms in a long string of apartments with nubby beige carpets. I was an atheist without faith, a secular humanist without creed. And a human being with too much to bear. The ideas of peace, tranquility, and hope… those similar, convergent, optimistic paths of the many faiths… they were not my reality. All I could see were black and white possibilities, none of them promising. This was not the quiet peace of a person who has lived a full life and is ready to let go in gentleness. This was an agitated, angry place – a lonely, bitter, yawing abyss.

Yet through it, oddly enough, I held to a version the Prayer of St. Francis, changed to fit my circumstances and beliefs, adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. It is printed in your order of service. I often hummed the hymn under my breath as I went about my day… a hymn I didn’t actually hear again for many, many years. Not until the death of Princess Diana, to be honest. But again, another story for another time.

Make me a channel of peace;

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand, than to be understood;

to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to life.

I wanted so dearly to understand where this anger, this agitation – the discord, despair, shadows, sadness, doubt – where it all came from. I wanted all these things. I also wanted to be a gentle, giving, loving person… a peaceful person. Instead I felt pierced by knives, stung by wasps, unlovely and unworthy. And I grabbed hold of that ending. It is by dying that one awakens to life. People say that for as many people as there are in the room, your words will be interpreted in at least as many different ways. So it was for me with the words of St. Francis. Whether as adapted here or in the Anglican or Catholic hymn – in which he is attributed to say “awakens to eternal life,” he talks about transformation through dying. Through those gentle – even high church Christian – words, I found hope – strange and bent as I interpreted them in some ways. But I came to find – much, much later – that I had utterly misunderstood that last line.

Here’s where it gets difficult for me – and for you. The threat and reality of suicide and suicidal ideation is not an easy thing to face. Most of us have faced it in friends, family, acquaintances, no matter how close or distant. I am not talking about assisted suicide – that is an issue for entirely another time, and another conversation. What I am talking about is something that is born out of intense despair and, usually, depression. It is also most of the time a very silent, very personal, and very hidden thing; in most states even attempting suicide is a crime. Further, in many faiths the act is an unforgivable sin which severs all ties to the Church and the community, even in the churchyard and in their concept of eternity. In my opinion this creates so much stigma around the ideation and the possibility that many people will never seek the help they need – or find recourse with friends, family or therapists who may be able to help them. Yes, some people cry out for help – but many never do.

 I honestly don’t know if I did or not until I sought help by myself one day, kind of as a bolt out of the blue. I made a wager or a promise with myself: 30 days with the psychiatrist with some noticeable improvement … or else. I know I was depressed – but, as most of you know, I tend to be very sunny, too. Which face to believe? (and no, I am not depressed now… don’t fear for that).

But, as the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention say,

“Everyone feels sad, depressed, angry or guilty sometimes — especially when the pressures of jobs, school, family, and friends build up. But for most people these feelings pass with time. Other times, though, feelings of sadness or hopelessness do not go away. These feelings may begin to affect many areas of a person's life and outlook. Someone who experiences these very intense feelings of sadness, depression or irritability may begin to think about suicide.”

What can we, as compassionate human beings and partners in faith and love do? According to the CDC and the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network, DO talk with a suicidal person seeking help – don’t isolate them further; talk with them about their stress and feelings and problems they are facing. But, NEVER bear the burden of helping this person alone. Ever. It cannot be up to you alone to assess and help someone in this situation – and people who have done this say that the intense guilt they have experienced if their loved one or friend does commit suicide is a grief almost too hard to bear. Tell someone – whether another friend, loved one, doctor or minister – what is going on. Third, CALL on a local first responder or the National Suicide Hotline (1.800.273.TALK). And, ENCOURAGE the person to get help – no matter what.

I would add a few things. Be kind. Listen. Be compassionate. Be unafraid to sit on the floor and cry with them. Listen. Touch. Smile. Don’t contribute your own stories unless they are short, relevant and to the point – and perhaps not even then. Listen. Hold hands. Listen, listen, listen. Walk outside with them – sometimes fresh air and a change of scenery helps change a perspective – though that is not a panacea and will not last for long – you should always follow the four steps the CDC outlines. Listen. And listen. There is a reason good ministers do so well in pastoral care; one of the best things they do is that they listen exquisitely well. We are blessed with a minister of that ilk.

I was three months into therapy when I so tentatively and timidly opened that bottle and poured the contents away. It took me quite a while to let go of the concept – the tether – that had in some ways given me a form of twisted hope for so long. Up to even my waking moment on that sunny morning, I had been sure and secure in the knowledge that I had power over my life and death in the form of that bottle, and that comforted me. *I* could decide. *I* could move forward – or not. But that morning, I woke up and something had changed. Maybe it was in that moment that I finally started to understand the last line of St. Francis’ prayer. It is by dying that one awakes to life. My maternal grandmother had died the previous September. My much loved Great Aunt Lila had died a few days before. And my Great Aunt Audrey, born in 1903 and the great family Teller of Stories and Keeper of History was in hospice. I had been overwhelmed by so much grief. But I started to see that this was all part of a cycle – birth, growing, decline and death – and somehow, that morning, I realized I was in a growing cycle, just starting to assume the full responsibilities of adulthood. Life. It didn’t require *my* death to awaken to life… it just required that the cycle come, well, full circle as a right and just part of the universe.

I am still in that growing cycle. And while it has its full measure of grief and sorrow, I embrace it fully and joyfully.

So… what does this have to do with faith, hope and salvation? That day, that morning, that moment… with the drop of each capsule and tablet, with each splash, with each slow slide into the cool water, each rainbow dissolve, I began to hope. Fear was there in great measure, too. But hope… that tiny little piece of unquantifiable magnificence began to find a home, nestle in, and very, very tentatively reach out. Hope is a very shy thing in moments like that… so very tentative… but by the time I pressed the silver lever and the surprising roar of the commode finished the job, hope burst forth. I shook. I could hardly breathe. But I had done something worthy of hope.

Faith? That was a lot longer in coming. Cynicism is a hard habit to break, so I did what any geek would have done and took a Belief-O-Meter test online (great test for cynics, let me tell you!) and came up as a Secular Humanist first and an Atheist a tight second. I had expected the atheism, but the Secular Humanism surprised me, so I went exploring… and after a great bout of stubbornness and insistence that atheists simply don’t have creeds and job titles, I found that I could add a full-fledged creed to my hope… and faith was born. And that creed that came out of the joyous practice and honest life of secular humanism? I’ll be doggone if secular humanism as I practice it isn’t awfully close to the Prayer of St. Francis in its fundamentals. Funny how that worked out.

Today I have come to a place of deep inner peace I could never have imagined at thirty. The sun – barely peeking through then, now shines from within, and it is a glorious thing to experience. Even in times of deep sadness, there is something tempering it – something I could never have imagined, and something I cannot fully describe. As Khalil Gibran wrote, “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was often-times filled with your tears.” Gibran spoke truly, for I find those same words expressed in faith and hope – through good times and bad. I see faith and hope in Alex. In a rose. In the dying wishes of both my grandmothers. In the smile of the homeless man who got lunch and a chance to chat yesterday instead of chump change and a derisive word. In the changing weather. In the attempts – and sometime successes – of my students to write essays. In the absolute wonder of the universe. In this very room. 

I strive now from that dark place toward good and just goals, and in the understanding of faith, hope and love. Does that meet the Oxford English Dictionary definition of salvation? Somehow, I think it does. Through kindness and love, there was a path out of intense sadness and into a beautiful world I only thought I had seen through the lens of St. Francis’ eyes. But the eyes through which I see it now are my own, and the world around me is truly a wondrous thing.

It took me a long time to get up from those hard yellow tiles that bright, blue-skied afternoon in Memphis so many years ago. I wore the painful creases from the intersections of the grout the rest of the day, choosing simple shorts and a comfy t-shirt instead of long, covering pants. As I contemplated the deep grooves in my knees I marveled at what had brought me there, to that decision, and that moment. I saw new life and new hope. My faith was tiny – but doesn’t it always start with just a glimmer? Those small, precious, intangible things were my breath and my life. And they were my salvation.

Salvation. What a great Unitarian Universalist word.

Amen.

 

What Should College Courses Teach?

I just finished reading Stanley Fish's most recent blog post, "What Should Colleges Teach?" and am pondering his response; I find that, while I have some areas of convergence, I disagree with much of what he says.

Yes, I agree that the level of writing skills in the average college freshman or sophomore sometimes seems to be at best, abysmal, and at worst, incomprehensible. I cannot tell you the number of papers through which I have muddled in which mangled syntax, assumed predicates, dangling participles, or simply bad grammar (not to mention anything in LOLCat) is the order of the day. 

But I think Fish is missing something core here.

Simply look at the Condition of Education - Special Analysis 2009 from the IES and you can see how woefully we are falling behind as a nation in all areas of education... not just history. But the purpose of a liberal arts education - a fully-rounded education in the humanities - is to hone these basic skills in every classroom. YES, the writing courses should absolutely be working on the fundamentals. But, I know in my classroom, every writing assignment brings with it additional opportunity for me to interact with each student at his or her level on that student's own skillset. We hone. We shape. We struggle. And we learn together not just about history, but how to put it into context, how to bring it out of our own minds and bring it forth into the world as fully formed ideas and actions which are not only part of the past, but impacts on the future.

Now, this brings up another issue with which I take some umbrage with Mr. Fish; incoming students cannot and do not, as a general rule, have the abilities to comp out of basic American History survey classes. Especially now, with No Child Left Behind and its reprehensible lack of mandated history education. And then there is the State of Tennessee and its woefully short-sighted passage of Public Chapter 204 sponsored by State Representative Joe Pitts and State Senator Tim Barnes, which lowered the requirements for history education for Tennessee Board of Regents students - and only for history education. We are doing our younger generations such disservices by saying "oh, only a class or two, here or there... and only one on the French Revolution, or the American Civil War is needed." No!! How is that going to help a student become a better civic leader? A person with a better understanding of her or his responsibilities to the past the present AND the future? If the only requirement to understanding our country's past in its totality is something learned with a C average as a freshman in high school, well... where is that going to leave us? I am perpetually stunned when I encounter students who are flummoxed by the idea that yes, there really were separate black and white entrances to restaurants at one point in our nation's blighted past. We *need* these courses if only to help witness to our own past and to see our way clear to a new and brighter future.

So Mr. Fish, while I think you are correct in your assessment that students are woefully unprepared in many ways for college - oh, so unprepared - I think you are doing them a disservice by your solution. We need more rigors in humanities education, not less (and yes I *do* think there is something vivid and alive to be said for the comprehensive literature course, especially in a multicultural world! Milton? Not just!).

We as educators must simply be prepared - and supported - to meet that challenge.

Laura Perry

Memphis, TN

Fabulosity

There are times in life when you just have to slow down and breathe.

A lot has been happening and a lot more is yet to come... but I am trying very hard to maintain a sense of perspective, a sense that things ahead can be bolstered by things behind and around me. There is a lot to be said for good personal space right now.

At the moment, Crash is employed, I am working successfully on my PhD and all is reasonably well with the world. Applying for scholarships, applying for grants... and was lucky enough to win a fellowship for next year. And the semester is over - that long, long semester with so very, very much going on! Now I need to think about AP exams and a course I want to take in Michigan and ... comps.

Oh yes, and comps. I really want to get through comps before the semester starts again in the Fall. I have a plan, I intend to stick to it, and I want to get from point A to point B with a minimum of fear and fuss. I want to go in confidently and know what I need to know to get out of whatever pickle they put me in. This is my goal. I have one adviser who is giving me fits... but other than that, I feel as though the preparation is going exceptionally well, and I know where I am going with it.

I love teaching... and feel the semester went incredibly well... I just wish I hadn't caught pneumonia right at the end. Blah. Really hard to try and project a lecture when I don't have the lung capacity - or the voice - to do it. But, my students did well, and I am so glad for them. They were a joy. I plan to teach first half American history in the Fall, so it will be brand new lesson prep... lots to do for it... and lots to learn for it. But it will be exciting and fun. I can't wait!

The roses are growing and blooming. We're through first flush - and they were just beautiful this time. I spent yesterday deadheading and must have trimmed back 500 rose heads. Wow. But there is a ton of new growth and I expect another flush in about a week. Just gorgeous. Then I mowed the front and side yard today. First time I have been able to do that in ... well ... years. I haven't felt well enough to do it for a very, very long time, and I had to take it slowly, but I did it. (YAY ME!) The front yard looks much better!! And I notice we have LOTS of black-eyed Susans coming up, though in patches, not in a huge row like I wanted, so I am going to have to do something about that (lots of seeds... lots and lots and lots of seeds!) The ivy in the old wheelbarrow survived the winter and is just going gangbusters - I am so glad - it looks fabulous in that old thing, and I think I'll put something vibrant in there with it for the summer. Lots of weeding to be done. Lots and lots. But that's always the case. I'm losing some rose bushes... but I think it's time to redo some of those beds anyway. Something more hardy needs to go in there. Maybe some more Yellow Submarines! I *love* that variety of rose!!

Had a new back door put on the house last month. Or maybe it was earlier this month. I can't remember. It needed it, anyway - the installer was shocked to find that the old door was - literally - held on by ONE screw, was sagging - and was the wrong size door for the sash anyway. @@ Go figure. Lowe's did a really good job with their installation services, by the way. Recommend them highly. The door we have now is just gorgeous. I feel as though it's on the wrong house! LOL

Have the neatest program... haven't installed it yet, but I have it, anyway. It's a program to translate VHS tapes into DVDs via my laptop. I'll let you know how well it works. Looks good, anyway. I've heard good things about it, and I have an entire cabinet FILLED with VHS tapes I want to get rid of (as in give to people who can use them - retirement homes, etc)... I can't wait. Yeah. In all the spare time I have. LOL

Jenny Goober is still with us, though she doesn't get up from her bed to come to the door when I come home very often anymore. As long as she knows it's just me... she's fine with it and stays in the back of the house on her bed. If anyone is with me, though, she's right at the gate, checking everything out. Silly girl. And she's just as goofy as ever. I love her to pieces, the silly Jenny Goober.

Hobbes is doing very well with his diabetes. And the rest of the kitties are great as well... if I remember once I am done writing this, I will put up a pic of Tug I took this morning; Tugboat does a "cute" pose whenever he wants to have lots of attention and his belly rubbed ... and I actually caught it with my cell phone this morning. So funny.
So, meanwhile, since yesterday morning (I had to turn in grades yesterday and was up until 4 a.m. doing so), I have been trying (vainly) to catch up on sleep. Last night was kind of funny; at 7:30 I had my last memory of the world, sitting in this chair doing heaven knows what - I think I had the remote in my hand. Next thing I know it's 5:30 a.m. and I'm needing the potty and the dog's needing out and Hobbes is needing fed. Huh?? I crawled out of bed, took care of these things, had a pear, heard Crash's alarm go off and snuggled back in with him for a few minutes while he got used to the idea of morning. Then I fell back asleep until this morning's doctor's appointment (I had a doc appointment yesterday, too, to add insult to injury!). Took another nap this afternoon for about half an hour and never heard the alarm... Crash woke me up and got me going again - I had a cocktail party to attend. Now? I am ready for the tub, I think. LOL

More than that, though, I am looking forward to Crash coming home safe and sound. He's at church at a board meeting. Looks as though he may be board president for one more year due to some unusual circumstances. I truly was looking forward to him being off board, but in this case, I don't mind him rising to the occasion.

Well, I think I am all lettered out. Hope you are all well. No promises anymore about blogging; you see where it gets me.

Laura

Goodness!!

It's been a terribly, terribly long time... and I had just vowed with my last post to be so much better about posting!

Things got very, very busy after my last post! VERY busy!

• After working up to nearly 5 miles every Tuesday and Thursday at PT, they released me! :( I am... both happy and sad... glad because I have progressed this far and sad because... well, I have lost much of my support mechanism for going and motivating. It's hard.
• Speaking of health stuff, the numbness is subsiding and I am getting around better - the changes in the meds seem to be doing the job and it does seem to definitely be the migraine aura issue. Good to know and to have something to finally fight against. Not only that, but the migraines themselves aren't as bad for the first time in... decades. ::knock on wood::
• I managed to finally produce a partial chapter of my dissertation a couple of weeks ago - something which has been plaguing me for months and months - almost two semesters now. It's still got a lot of work to be done on it, but it is really, really moving along. On top of that, there are two papers to be pulled out of it, one we are hoping to push for Fall '09, and one for Spring '10.
• Yesterday brought the news of a possible paper presentation opportunity in Belgium in Spring '10. Will be following up on that pronto - it's been receiving very favorable pushes from some folks here in the University, so I think that may be something to strongly explore.
• Had some really nice family interactions in the past couple of weeks - some very unexpected. Very, very nice. ::smile:: I was so glad for them!
• Then there are the bragging things:
  • I am being inducted next Saturday into an honor society ;)
  • I am being inducted next Sunday into Who's Who Among Students in American Colleges and Universities
  • and there is one other thing I will tell you about at another time.
• I plan to spend part of the summer attending a workshop in Quantitative Historical Analysis; in history geek terms, this is learning a whole lot about how to statistically quantify the numbers I am pulling from the various sources down here in Memphis for my dissertation. I am applying for a full scholarship, travel funds - everything I can find. I *need* this course. Anyone have any extra money for a needy scholar? I need room and board!!
• Once again, I will also be grading AP US History exams this summer as well. ::chuckle:: Yes! Back to it!
• Applying for and working on a couple other things, but they are so early in the working stages that it's silly to talk about them. Will catch you up on them when they are further down the pike.

Well, there's not much else happening other than teaching and the ever-present grading. ::grin:: Hope all my dear friends are doing well; I need to make the rounds again and see how all my blogging friends are! I miss you! Heck... I miss me!!

Will catch up with you soon again - I hope.

Much love,
Laura

I Really Should Update More Often...

...because when I don't, the updates become little monsters!

Let's see. Hmmm...

I've been up most of the week this week working on creating and modifying bibliographies dealing with 1877-1939 US history... and the next step is to annotate them. (ARRRRGH!). That part terrifies me. Pretty much, I will be spending the next six months doing nothing but reading - and creating incredibly extensive and cross-referenced notes - for the comps I will be taking in August. Oh, and I have a draft of a portion of my dissertation due week after next. This part *is* doable, actually, since Spring Break is here, and I don't have any teaching obligations this coming week.

However, I *do* have grading obligations... oh, and how. Wow. Don't ask.

Physical therapy is probably the best thing I have ever done for my own health other than actually lose the nearly 100 pounds I have lost over the past five years. I am having the most wonderful - and wonder-filled - experience doing this. I am finding I can exercise and push my body hard without hurting it - or hurting at the time (or even much afterward) - but release those endorphins and really strengthen my core and myself as a whole - and do a whole lot of good. This is something I *know* I will be able to keep up after actual PT is over - they are not only giving me exercises, but teaching me how to work with my body *and* how to work with the machines and weights and to determine what is healthy muscle movement and what is unhealthy. I am *listening to* and *watching* my body very, very closely. It's amazing. And I feel good for it. Huzzah!

LOVING teaching still... and I just realized today that I have now taught for five semesters... nine rosters... one course. Some 270 students. I keep seeing students all over campus who know me and say hi... and I feel like an idiot for not knowing their names - but now I realize that I shouldn't expect myself to remember that many students' names over that long a time - and many of my first students have already graduated!! I'm very fortunate to learn everyone's name in a semester - and push myself to do so. Am loving the interaction this semester, too. It seems that the longer I teach, the more comfortable I am with interaction and give-and-take in the classroom. It makes it exciting and fun and ... my, do I ever enjoy it. Next fall I plan to teach first half American history (pre-1877) and will be writing a whole new course's-worth of lectures... and while I am excited about that, it terrifies me; I plan to take comps just before the beginning of the semester! But, it will be a new part of a continuing adventure I am enjoying more than anything I have ever done. What a terrific life I am leading right now in that respect!

Turned in a bunch of stuff today which may lead to a great deal of fruition in the next month and a half. We'll see. :::watch this space:::

Have completely forgotten about photography lately... and things are blooming and popping and looking gorgeous; I just don't have time for it. It really, really stinks, because I miss having the opportunity to look at things through the lens. ::sigh:: Can't do everything.

Still only running on one computer at the moment; the other was hit by the worst virus/trojan attack I have ever seen, and will require a complete scrub of the machine. However, see above for time constraints. I hope to get to it this week.

Also on my list of things to get to this week is a revamp of the Graduate History Association website. I've really been trying to push forward with GHA this semester... but comps stuff (and all the assorted health things - surgeries, procedures, etc) have gotten in the way. Hmmm. Maybe I should set up a meeting for the first Friday after we return from Break? Hmmmm. :::sending myself an e-mail:::

Need to renew all my student memberships in everything... all my professional journals ... crud. Everything has lapsed. Crud! At least I have a few lifetime memberships in a few things... but everything else? It's a matter of outlaying money... and who has it these days?

I am very busy at church as I am able to be, though I have chosen to leave the choir for myriad reasons; I think my time and talents are best served elsewhere for now. I'm thoroughly enjoying the POW women's group - thoroughly enjoying it to the point that it is a sacred day on my monthly calendar; the only thing which would keep me from it is if Crash ended up in the hospital (I think I would drag MY sorry butt out of the hospital for it!!). Seriously. And I have been going to monthly Bible study (stop snickering!) and some other adult religious education things as they come along. I simply need the time away from school, even though I can't really afford the time away from school, if you know what I mean. Church is my sanity time - and I can't lose sight of that.

There's really not much else to say... well, there is, but if I tried, I would be here a night and a day and still not be caught up. This at least gets us somewhere.

I miss writing here as a matter of exercise and practical spirituality; this has been a place I have come now for some five years. Until the past several months, I had made it a daily mandatory thing to come here and write - even if only a tiny thing - something about something. I really want to get back to that. I think things really slipped when my grandma died and she was no longer there to read every day - that connection was lost and I went adrift in many ways ... but then, there are others who e-mail me regularly asking me what's going on in my life that I am not updating... I think that is really kind of awesome to have friends like y'all! So, I will try and get back here on a more daily basis. The entries may be short, they may be terse, but I am going to try to make it a spiritual practice to at least write a little tiny bit every day.

Love you guys, and miss you. And I will do my best to come a-visiting to your blogs a little more often, too. I really do miss catching up on your lives as well.

Laura

Long Time Nobody See Me

I've been around... and around and around and around.

To catch you up:

1. I'm done with classes working on my PhD; all that remains is to read for comprehensive exams, take comprehensive exams (which I hope to actually PASS in August), and write/defend the dissertation. I hope to graduate in May 2011. Hope.
2. As many of you know I have been dealing with significant chronic pain issues; many of them are being *very* well dealt-with through a local pain clinic - very well!! And the PT staff there is AMAZING.
3. Unfortunately, though, I fell down the back steps between Christmas and New Years, landing on my left hip and right shoulder (and knocking myself out cold, it ends up!) significantly making things worse on the pain side of things. Not such a good move. The reason I fell? I have been having problems with numbness on the left side of my body and could not feel the step... and missed it.
4. The numbness issues? Are why I FINALLY got in to see a neurologist today. And had a brain MRI last week. And am having another one week after next with and without contrast... after which (like 45 minutes after which) I see this doc again. He is very aggressively determined to figure this out. I am VERY glad. There is more to it than this... but this is all I am willing to talk about in this forum at this time.
5. I am frantically trying to get my reading done this semester - but it is just hella bad; 38 books and assorted articles in one Readings for Comps class... and an equal amount of reading / question answering for the other three profs. I *love* it, but I can't seem to convince the rest of my life to slow down enough to allow me to read 10 hours a day like I need to. This is bad. Very, very bad.
6. To wit: I had an endometrial ablation two and a half weeks ago (the second of three hospital procedures I have had already this year - can you just say ENOUGH ALREADY??); this will stop the bad cycles I have been having, but it also ends any chance we might ever have had at getting pregnant. I am ok with this. Sometimes I wonder if Crash is not.
7. And finally... I turn 41 on Friday. Wow. Where did the time go?

And that, in a nutshell, children, is my life in a nutshell.

I'll catch you again soon, I hope.

An Open Letter to People With - Or Dealing With - Catastrophic Illness

An open letter to people with - or dealing with - catastrophic illness:

I hope you don't mind me asking this, but I somehow suspect you may be a well-spring of love and help in this:

 

One of my dear friends, a 52-year-old woman, was just diagnosed with Stage 4 clear cell kidney cancer. It is in her bones, spine, skull, lungs, and other organs. She is undergoing treatment right now... but things don't look really positive right now to be on the realistic side of things.

 

I have been sending her cards and writing on her blog ... but have been unable to get to see her due to sniffles and trying to get well for my own impending surgery this Friday. I haven't been calling, though, either, because I haven't known what to say *to* her directly... and that bothers me. A lot.

 

What can I do for her which would be helpful? She is back home for the time being - a very positive, vibrant woman. Yet, she also knows the situation is pretty dire.

 

I want to be supportive - but I don't know exactly how to go about doing that. Do you have any suggestions? Ideas? Help? I *definitely* know I have to be well enough to be around her, so that's not an issue... but what can I do in the meantime... and when I have bounced back from my own surgery?

 

I'm just not sure what to think with something so advanced in an older woman... and someone who more clearly understands the odds.

 

Please give me an idea of what I can do to help my friend? Her name is Barbara.

Atheist Blogroll

I feel a need to join yet another community of like-minded folk, and for that reason I have added the Atheist Blogroll to my sidebar. I feel you should understand why... and we should revisit the issue of atheism one more time. I discuss religion and morality frequently here... and secular humanism. But it's been a while since I have hit atheism head-on. So here it is. I am laying it open for you. Bear with me.

As many of you know, I have been an atheist for most, if not all of my life. I have chosen to follow the path of a secular humanist and have found it incredibly fulfilling, both in a moral and spiritual way. I *do* feel spirituality; I feel love and compassion and passion and caring. I feel anger and I feel sadness... all these things... and I attach them to the ways in which I deal with others.

This path is one in which I have been able to have control of my moral compass; it is not in the hands of a deity or a spiritual "other," but is entirely governed by the laws of nature and common sense. In this, I feel I have a duty to be upright and strong in my beliefs and dealings with my fellow man, and with the environment around me.

I also feel at peace that when I die I will simply become part of the earth - if I am not embalmed into some sort of crazy, impossibly insoluble thing. I haven't been able to reconcile myself with the idea of donating my body to science, though... I would rather sink into the earth and nourish the soil.

So, please, do not deal with me as an alien creature. I am simply another person. I have a strong sense of morality and beliefs just as you...

I am simply coming at it from a different perspective. That is all.

In love,
Laura

Well, I Have Been Absent for a While...

...and am likely to be absent a lot for the next several weeks.

I have had some severe neck (spinal) issues - not life-threatening, but life-altering - which have led me to reinvent how I am going about my daily life, and how I am viewing my future plans.

I thought I just had a long term and increasingly stiff neck from studying. But seven weeks ago, x-rays revealed much more severe problems than I could possibly have imagined, and an MRI five weeks ago diagnosed even more issues. I have been reeling a little bit.

No, I don't have cancer, and no, I am not dying. These are the good things.

Everything else? Not so good.

I am working closely with a top-notch neurosurgeon and will know more at the end of the week (Thursday) about where we go from here. It's likely to be invasive with a long recovery time. And due to the nature of at least some of the issues I am having, it's likely to have to be repeated in the future. Multiple times.

Lots of tests, lots of pain, lots of really difficult days. But we're getting through it. I am getting through it.

I am taking one day at a time and looking at each day as a gift. A gift, an opportunity to reinvent myself, and a chance to move forward. It's the only way to live life, even with the down days - and there have been plenty of them.

I didn't want y'all to worry about where I've been and why the posts have been so... impersonal ... of late. It's not you... and it's certainly not for lack of topics! Mercy! I have a lifetime of topics built up in the past 7 weeks! But, I have been having troubles typing ... and finding the time to just sit and think.

Will try to write more ... and hopefully the neurosurgeon will have a terrific game plan on Thursday which will give me a great deal more mobility and dexterity - and a lot less discomfort. And then, I will be able to get back to the writing and noodling I love.

Soon, soon, I hope. :::hugs::: to all.

Laura

Holiday Wish Meme

Step One

- Make a post. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple ("give a hug") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- If you wish for real life things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your blog, so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two

- Surf around your friends to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

Here are mine:

1. Do something for someone without being asked... or better yet - without them knowing about it.

2. Clean out your old VHS collection and donate the tapes to a local nursing home (swiped from my friend Lisa - I think this is awesome!)

3. Donate blood or platelets if you can.

4. Clean out your clothes closet and give to your local thrift store - or to your local city school clothes program. If you don't have clothes to donate, please find a few canned goods in your pantry for someone less fortunate. And if you can't do either, you have my kindest thoughts and best wishes. I will donate in your stead.

5. Write a letter - an honest-to-goodness paper letter - to a family member or friend telling them why you love them. Mail it. Even if you live in the same house.

6. Hold the door for someone. Anyone. Everyone.

7. Check with your public school system. See what their donation needs are and see if you can meet any of them. They will be grateful.

8. Support the arts in your schools and communities. Go to concerts, get your children involved as active listeners and participants. Take a friend - an elderly neighbor, perhaps, who would enjoy getting out - and go enjoy some music, art or dance, whether that of kids, college students or adults.

9. Promise yourself to note in your friends blogs as often as possible in the coming year; notes mean so much, if only smilies.

10. If you really, really can't find something in the above list that hits your buttons (for shame!), here is my Amazon list. I know, I know... it's like... 15 pages long. I've been wishing for a really long time. LOL. I was brought up believing if you didn't aspire you couldn't achieve!