BiddiesInMyBrain

Thoughts on Young Lives

I was hit hard by a mom's post today on Truth. You see, her daughter - a vital, darling child - is facing an uncertain future, and the truth of the matter is a tough concept. I admire this mother, this minister, this woman for moving so carefully and thoughtfully into what may come. I ache for this family and every day they wake to face life with cancer, yet giggle at the lovely, funny videos of their daughter and her siblings laughing and playing. This little girl is the picture of joy.

Strangely, this coincides with my continued ache and selfish grief over the illness of Rev. Dr. Forrest Church... I am selfish because I will miss his writings and his kind and quick wit... yet he has given such a gift in facing the knowledge of his certain future: Love and Death: My Journey through the Valley of the Shadow. He has given so much - and has found such joy in doing so.

The common theme I see in these two common yet utterly uncommon people is that they have chosen to take up the mantle of a great gift: to face the future with courage - and with truth. Grief and joy are woven tight, though, and, in my opinion, it takes a greater courage to face the spectre of an early death than many of us will ever really realize. Hope is reserved for the little things... the bright and shiny moments we treasure and hold close to our hearts. But truth? Truth is a part of courage that carries us through the future with strength and devotion - and no small measure of love.

And it is ultimately love that I see shining through those eyes I hold dear - both the mom of whom I speak, and Rev. Church. Enduring, faithful and patient love. May it keep them in good stead.

Something to Ponder

Watch your thoughts;
they become words.
Watch your words;
they become actions.
Watch your actions;
they become habits.
Watch your habits;
they become character.
Watch your character;
for it becomes your destiny.
~ Upanishads

We Are Displeased, We Are! ::chuckle::

Oh, yes... we *definitely* are displeased!!

Not sure how *this* choice picture escaped the Palace walls, but this ... this one is a goodie. ::giggle::

And in my reality, it is only the Queen who is displeased at the moment; I am doing rather well, and am ignoring tummy troubles to concentrate on homework and just *being* with Crash. Tomorrow, he is spending the day with his dad, so I will have plenty of time to finish up the reading and the paper for Tuesday.

We have gone from a beautiful sunny morning to a mostly-overcast afternoon... probably more rain, doggone it. Those grass seeds are probably going to rot in place. Grrr!

Crash has become addicted to the "random song" feature on Songfacts and spends hours on end flipping through them. Thought I would pass the link along to y'all so you can irritate your spouses, too. ::grin::

Woke up this morning to Crash telling me my tummy was being exceedingly loud... and he wanted to know if I needed anything. I hadn't heard anything, but decided to stay home just in case it had an explosion in mind and so I could snag a little more zzzzzs. BUT, I didn't get much sleep anyway; the next door flipper decided to start work at 10 a.m. Ahh well... up and reading isn't all bad.

Still laughing at the funny picture. Formidable old bat, she is.

Well, I really need to get back to it. I have nothing profound to say and I am just sitting here staring at the screen (and giggling at the picture... it's all about the picture right now)... Maybe later I will have more to relate, but right now? Bupkiss.

AWESOME Picture... and a Warning for Travelers (Including Me)

You can bet I will be thinking *very* carefully about the weather as we head across the prairies and plains this summer... looking out for severe thunderstorms and tornadoes (found this spectacular image at www.KSN.com, btw). Speaking of amazing tornado shots, check this from the Weather Channel: Yikes! (I'm having some problems with Typepad's linking service on the Compose Post page, which is why you are getting full URLs at times. It's intermittently working, and we hope to be up and fully functional soon... bear with me!).

Today we had a really amazing storm - nothing like what they have been seeing on the Plains, but lots of thunder and lots of heavy rain and a REALLY DARK HOUSE at 3:30 in the afternoon ... SPOOKY!... I am hoping it didn't wash out ALL of our grass seed from two days ago; the seed is now in clumps in puddles, puddles which are quickly absorbing back into the ground. I tried to get out there with a rake, but things are just too wet. We've pretty well decided to see if this will sprout, and then if it does, to overseed again at midsummer to catch any bare spots. I think it's the best we can hope for at this point.

Still plugging away on homework... interesting books, but it's a holiday weekend and I wish that I would have gotten this done earlier this week. If wishes were dollars...

Been having major problems with the DSL modem... ordered a new one yesterday from AT&T high speed services, so we should be cooking with a much better, much faster connection this time next week. Our current modem is ... hmmm... five years old and seems to be giving up the ghost. We're going with a modem/wireless gateway with wireless-n capability. We'll see how this works; I hate getting away from my Linksys router - I've been really loyal to Linksys and their magnificently reliable equipment. Like I said, we'll see.

SO MUCH TO DO before the 4th... and so much to do before the 12th/13th... everything is just smooshed together and it is hard to separate out what needs doing now, what needs doing this week, and what must be accomplished next week... Lists are my friends.

Well, I am going to scoot and see how much reading I can fly through tonight. I'm well into one of the books, and about a quarter of the way through the second one. I think I need to write them up separately, but am pondering it carefully... there are some commonalities, but they may be too different to pull them together in one paper. The last thing I want to do is write something contrived for a professor I really like... and besides - when I write a good paper the discussions end up being much better and more interesting, so I have extra incentive to put a lot more effort into the front end. Means a lot of work this weekend... which means flying through a lot of pages tonight and tomorrow and synthesizing them tomorrow night.

Have a good one!

Feeling Better, Though Still Sad

I have spent the latter part of my day filled with things that keep me busy... and not thinking too much about how much I miss my grandma. I mean - I know I am forty now and these things are expected to happen, and that I was ever so lucky to have her for so long - but that somehow makes the losing of her that much harder. I admit it - I did have a moment of break-down sobbing at one point today... and Jack the Cat was so distraught he didn't know what to do; he kept miaouing and hitting my legs with his head the whole time I was crying like I hadn't cried in years. In fact, I hadn't cried like that since long before Grandma died. I didn't cry at all when I got the call she had passed, or at the funeral ... I've held myself in tight check, knowing what was on the radar, and knowing how she wanted things. But damnit, I miss her. Maybe I needed that moment?

After Crash got home and had a chance to cool down and rest for a little while, we went outside, watered the new lawn, cleaned the front steps, washed down the rugs and mats and generally tidied up out there.

Tonight? Some quality time with Crash... and maybe a run to someplace like Sonic for a two-for-one burger and a big limeaid - I'm not really hungry. And maybe a Netflix movie. I don't know. I don't really want to overload the night, yanno?

I need to read two books and write a paper for Tuesday - which reminds me... I need to write a quick e-mail to my professor reminding him that we are meeting that day. I forgot to do so earlier this week.

My French exam is scheduled for early July, too... need to brush up on that... yikes. My great aunt Lila would be such a help with that right now; she was a French and Latin teacher, and quite good. She'd have me whipped into shape in no time flat... however, we lost her in 1996. I *do* have her Harrap's French Dictionary, though, and it's a huge thing... I love it...so glad to have it. I'll make do with that and 15 years of basic and intermediate French instruction which ended in 1989. Ooof. Twenty years ago. I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this one. We'll see. I've got to pass before I take my comps, one way or the other.

Plowing through the cleaning here, too, though I didn't get much done here today. Things are finally on track to be neat and tidy before I leave for Kentucky in a week and a half. Can't believe it's that soon. Need to get the car in to make sure everything is shipshape and ready to go.

Not much else. Just looking forward to getting to Colorado in June - and hoping we won't get caught in a blizzard. Yeah. At the moment of this writing, Colorado is having simultaneous blizzard and tornado warnings. Go figure.

Sweet Memories and a Tough Day

Today would have been my paternal grandmother's 87th birthday.

I miss her terribly, and that is really making this gorgeous day - a day she would have loved - a bittersweet one. It is our first one without her. I wish I could write more, but it just aches too much.

WOW. Just wow.

Already I am seeing linkage out of this blog to the other one to which I referred in the last post. ::grin:: This is a good thing.

My being up at this hour? A bad thing. My tummy is killing me - hurts like the devil - and I am really about ready to turn it in for a new one. Should have done that a year ago.

Crash is in bed, softly snuffling along with three cats - two of the cats and the dog are keeping me company out here in the den while I type. Clickety click.

Tomorrow morning I am getting up and going out and RESEEDING THE FRONT LAWN. AGAIN. This time we have a fertilizer/dirt combo AND a penkoted seed... and we wetted down the dirt tonight to make it easier to work in the morning. I won't have to water things too much when I get the seed down - the rain will be coming in the midafternoon in the form of scattered thunderstorms. No prob. I'll sleep then.

Not much else to say... there is much bubbling around in my head, but nothing coherent enough to put down here yet. I just want to get some sleep... but don't think it is going to happen for a little while yet. Best of luck to the rest of you!

I'm Pondering Change

I've not been in a "good place" the past several days - not sure why - it's just been the state of things the last week or so, and I have been trying to work it out as best I can.

Part of it has been frustration with my personal life - no major changes (yet) - just things like the HVAC trauma (not having a clean house to myself - two issues there), lack of sleep, communication issues with Crash. Again, nothing major - it's just buildup over the past several weeks while Crash has been working 15 hour days and I have had too much time trying to deal with everything on my own. We need each other, and we've been very much apart.

Part of it has been frustration with my spiritual life. I've been wanting to get to church every week, and while I was successful two weeks in a row (yay me) I did not go last weekend because I refused to go from 9:45 in the morning until 2:30 in the afternoon, including a Congregational Meeting and assorted side trips. Sunday mornings have become this pile of Things To Do and not a spiritual experience, and I would start driving separately - except that we can't afford the dang gas between here and there, and I don't see where to cut out the activities. So I give up easily on Sunday morning and roll back over and pull the covers over my head.

Part of it has been frustration with my financial life, but that's just not going to be discussed here.

Part of it has been frustration with my professional life. I have a *lot* to do right now and the HVAC and the ensuing lunacy has made it such that I haven't been able to spend chunks of time doing what I need to do to keep up there. Yes, I finished my GIS class, and yes, I am moving forward with my other class, and YES, definitely I am moving forward with my independent study materials for Fall... but these are all moving piecemeal... and I still don't know what I will be teaching this Fall - which is driving me crazy. I know I am being impatient, but I want to start preparing materials NOW. And I need to get downtown to the Archives to see if I can obtain some more materials for my dissertation - they have the best stuff down there, and are incredibly accessible - if only I can find parking and time to get downtown.

And part of it, finally, is stress of my own making. I'm just a ball of energy generating its own internal energy - which in my case manifests itself as stress. I'm working on channeling it somewhere else, and I am looking forward to doing something about it in three weeks in Colorado... but I had better be doing something about it now, before I get there, or it's going to be with me the whole time I am there, too.

As I alluded to the other day, there is something brewing, and I am slowly, ponderously coming into my own on it... it's just that I am trying to work out my place in it as the odd person out, and asking for - and getting - gentle lovingkindness while I do. I hope to have this all figured out and worked out and ready to roll out soon. I think as the other stresses slowly resolve - some of them quite quickly, actually - this will also come into its own.

OK... I am going to sign off and go back to scrubbing the house. Much to do to make it right again, and there is limited time to do that - I leave in, what, 14? 15? days? Oy.

Dolce, dolce, dolce.

My Epitaph

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."— Ralph Waldo Emerson

We Have Working A/C!!

Oh Joy! Oh Bliss! And you know what? My working chair is in the perfect place to get the benefit of the best of it!! I am *so* happy! And none too soon - the dang temp today is supposed to reach nearly ninety if not into the nineties. According to my thermostat, it is 87 outside right now... and in the low seventies in the house. SQUEEEE!!!

In about an hour I am going to head over to the University and give my presentation for the GIS class I am finishing today. No worries about that - I think I did *exactly* what he wanted. Now to finish my other course.

As for everything else, I am thinking long and hard about something we discussed this weekend. Will link you to another blog about it in time... just give it time. I need to think about this a little more and decide how to reorganize my life a little bit more. I think it can be done... but it's going to take some serious doing - and no small amount of change. :::watch this space:::

Am getting anxious for for the trips (15 days to Louisville; 24 days to Colorado) - and for Crash to be out of school SOON. The kids' last day at school is Friday, and his last day is sometime next week (there is some confusion about the day - still).

OMG.. the air conditioning feels GREAT! I think I could keep beer in the den, though... need to adjust that temp upward a little bit!

Until Later...